Why I am Not the Next Great Scientist

My roommate, the lovely Sticks of Sara, is having what I like to call a “Why did I even go to college day”, and unfortunately, we’ve all had our fair share of them. She asked me to write about why science sucks, which alas, I will not. I won’t bash majors at all, even if they’re way out of my comfort zone, but Sara, I will share my experience with science, both good and bad, and why it makes much more sense for me to be in the realm of English and Communications.

For anyone who doesn’t know, one of my so-called career epiphanies way back when was that I would be a medical journalist. Ha! The basic thought process was that many doctors and nurses use a heavy dose (lol) of medical terminology in their explanations and that it was necessary for someone to study both that terminology and have writing skills in order to turn that information into easy-to-read and understand paperwork and programs. A great idea. An actual job. But it would require me to take a loooooot of science. I figured I’d major in Journalism with a minor in science and would dabble in a few science courses. Nope. You had to take science journalism and then usually had to move up to medical journalism. The journalism was the minor part. I would’ve been qualified to be a doctor by the time I was done, and I just can’t do blood or bedside manner. So that was that. But even though, I shifted away from the sciences, I did love them and still appreciate them, and Sara, and you, shall see why I never should be taken seriously as a scientist because of what I enjoyed about science (and what may redeem it for Sara).

• Bill Nye: Bill! Bill! Bill! Bill! Bill! Bill! Bill Nyeeeee the Science Guy! Man oh man, did I love these stupid videos. Bless 4th-6th grade for the amazingness that these videos were. Not to mention the ridiculous music videos that were thrown in. If you’ve forgotten about Bill, the weird sound effects, the ridiculous examples and so on, this gem of a tv show is now on Netflix. You’re welcome.
• Biomes: I love biomes. Freakin’ love ’em. I don’t even know why. I had to do a biome project, maybe in 6th or 7th grade, where I made a giant binder divided into different sections for each biome and I got to make a beautiful scrapbook of images of different climates. I had a blast doing it and spent the whole weekend in my basement crafting it and watching Center Stage on a loop. My favorite? Tundras. Don’t ask me why.
• Penguins: I think this counts as science. I had a fetish with penguins in kindergarten. For our science unit, we read a book about penguins and the name is escaping me. If my mother knows it, and she knows everything, I’ll put it here because now I’m curious and want to read it again. But we read the book and then each week, someone got to take the penguin home and it lived in a cooler and you could only feed it black and white things. That poor stuffed animals lived off of oreos in my house and I was obsessed with it. I loved penguins so much. I almost died when I learned we were going to an aquarium to see them. My favorite was the macaroni penguin, probably because my kindergarten favorite food was mac & cheese. We also had a unit on bears and got to bring teddy bears in so they could hibernate in a tent while we learned, but nothing beat the penguin unit.
• Habitats: Habitat, habitat, have to have a habitat! Habitat, habitat, have to have a habitat! Have to have a habitat to carry on! Hey! (Sing it with me!)
• Cookie Cake Atoms: I mean, hello, your teacher is buying you a cookie cake to eat and all you had to do was turn it into an atom with frosting. Teacher of the year, Miss Singer. Go sixth grade.
• Dissecting: It blows my mind that I liked dissecting things. Worms are the best for sure. You cut them in half and they just keep on trucking. In 7th grade, we spent a whole class cutting worms with a pen knife and then watching them separate and move on. We also freaked them out by changing the amount of light on them with lamps and paper. It was a great day. I’ve also dissected a cow’s eye, which had a cool blue thingy in it, a pig heart and a sheep brain, that looked like a chicken wing.
• Alka Seltzer: I believe 7th grade allowed me to dissolve aka seltzer tablets in a glass for some reason I can’t remember, but I really enjoyed the fizzes and sound. I may or may not have been more concentrated on that than the lab.
• Balancing Equations: Never did I ever think I would utter the sentence “I miss chemistry”, but it definitely was my favorite level of science. It’s a very OCD science full of measurements, equations and rules. Everything has an exact science to it. I loved the period table, balancing equations and learning everything behind it all. I had an awesome teacher and I actually knew what was going on. Probably the only kind of math I can really do and appreciate.
• Mu: The only word I remember from physics that I would practice drawing the symbol everywhere and not pay attention to much else.
• Marbles: For some reason, marbles are a hot necessity in science, as are those weird rolling rulers in the hallway to count steps or whatever, but I like marbles. When the marbles come out, you know class is going to be good. In eighth grade, we studied velocity or something and got to make loops out of piping and tape them to lockers going all the way down the hallway. We spent a good week chucking marbles at it and watching them flip around and then roll down the hallway. In high school, I might have had an incident when creating a catapult with a marble and might have shot it off into my lab group’s faces. By. accident.
• Genetics: If I had to go into science, I would probably end up here. I knew everything there was to know about Dolly. I really liked punnet squares and I just wanted to know why I had brown eyes when I always had wanted blue or green. Theres so much to know and so many levels, and I would absolutely study it again.
• Fire: When teachers allow you to use fire in class? Fabulous. Cooking food on a bunsen burner, boiling water, all great. But the best was lighting matches in 7th grade. I did burn my finger, but it was worth it.
• Litmus paper: This stuff is awesome! I loved dipping it in liquids and seeing acidity levels. I know that I pocketed a couple and would test stuff in my fridge at home because I was enamored with the colors changing.
• Jokes: I love jokes. Especially chemistry jokes. They’re super fabulous. The best one is this one.
• Two scientists walk into a bar. The first says, “I’ll have an H2O” and the bartender gives it to him. The second one says, “I’ll have an H2O too.” And then he takes a drink and dies. (I guess that doesn’t work typed out. Too/2..we get it? H2O2? I tried.

Well, those are my science positives, there were plenty of negatives too, but when we doubt ourselves or just need to collapse, we have to remember to look at the good and remember why we got into this in the first place. Believe me, my story deadlines and assigned plays for the weekend are going to require some soul searching as well.